Links:

Amazon needs to make sure that I am aware of the fabulous benefits I will be losing if I close my account.

This marks the 4th time I’ve asked that my ACCOUNT BE CLOSED and my CREDIT CARDS BE PURGED from your system.

This time instead of getting your “glitch” [...]]]> Another go ’round with Amazon.

Amazon needs to make sure that I am aware of the fabulous benefits I will be losing if I close my account.

This marks the 4th time I’ve asked that my ACCOUNT BE CLOSED and my CREDIT CARDS BE PURGED from your system.

This time instead of getting your “glitch” email, I got one (attached at end) that asked me if I was absolutely sure I wanted to close my account, reviewing the benefits I get from keeping my account open.

I have reviewed the list and found it acceptable for me to lose those benefits.

What arcane ritual must I do in order to get Amazon, a company that is apparently “… Building Earth’s Most Customer-Centric Company”, to close my Amazon account? Do you require a quart of goat or pig’s blood? Do you require a 50-person choreographed performance of “Doe, a deer, a female deer” in a railway station in Amsterdam to be executed flawlessly in order to fulfill my request? Perhaps you would like your own caffeinated beverages from another Seattle-based corporate monster in order to do as I ask?

Or maybe you could get a customer support representative capable of following clear and simple instructions to actually do as I ask?

I guess I will find out in my next installment where I hope, nay, dream, that Amazon Customer Support will actually just close my account, purge my credit card numbers from your records and send me a nice tidy e-mail verifying that you have done so.

Your servant (apparently),
Malcolm Gin-Hopwood y Silva

The latest response email in question:
“Hello,

I want to make sure that closing your account won’t cause problems with any open transactions or other websites you might visit.

Here are some things to keep in mind:

– If you use your Amazon login on other sites, you’ll also lose access to those accounts (Target.com, Bebe.com, BenefitCosmetics.com, Lacoste.com, Endless.com).
– Any open orders you have will be cancelled.
– Returns and refunds cannot be processed for orders on closed accounts.
– Amazon Payments account will be closed and cannot be reopened.
– You’ll no longer have access to your Associates and/or Mechanical Turk account.
– If you have an Amazon Web Services account, cancel your subscriptions for any Web Services prior to requesting that your account be closed.

If you’ve reviewed these items and still want to close the account, write back by visiting the address below:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/help/rsvp/rsvp-mi.html?q=acc1

Thanks for shopping with us.

Please let us know if this e-mail resolved your question:

If yes, click here:

http://[elided]

If not, click here:

http://[elided]

Please note: this e-mail was sent from an address that cannot accept incoming e-mail.

To contact us about an unrelated issue, please visit the Help section of our web site.

Best regards,

Aparna
Amazon.com
We’re Building Earth’s Most Customer-Centric Company
http://www.amazon.com/your-account”

Applause is not necessary, just please send me the Pulitzer.

I got another semi-automated mail from Amazon.

Hello,

This is an embarrassing and ham-fisted cataloging error for a company that prides itself on offering complete selection.

It has been misreported that the issue was limited to Gay & Lesbian themed titles – in fact, it impacted 57,310 books in [...]]]> The hits keep on coming.

I got another semi-automated mail from Amazon.

Hello,

This is an embarrassing and ham-fisted cataloging error for a company that prides itself on offering complete selection.

It has been misreported that the issue was limited to Gay & Lesbian themed titles – in fact, it impacted 57,310 books in a number of broad categories such as Health, Mind & Body, Reproductive & Sexual Medicine, and Erotica. This problem impacted books not just in the United States but globally. It affected not just sales rank but also had the effect of removing the books from Amazon’s main product search.

Many books have now been fixed and we’re in the process of fixing the remainder as quickly as possible, and we intend to implement new measures to make this kind of accident less likely to occur in the future.

Thanks for contacting us. We hope to see you again soon.

Please let us know if this e-mail resolved your question:

If yes, click here:

http://[elided]

If not, click here:

http://[elided]

Please note: this e-mail was sent from an address that cannot accept incoming e-mail.

To contact us about an unrelated issue, please visit the Help section of our web site.

Best regards,

Sharmila S
Amazon.com
We’re Building Earth’s Most Customer-Centric Company
http://www.amazon.com/your-account

I clicked the “No” link.

I got a page that allowed me to have them call me, which I tried first, but was denied because apparently my area code (410) is not valid for their form.

I then input this message in their e-mail response form field instead:

I attempted to have you call me, but the number I provided (410-579-3439) was rejected with the feedback “The area code you have entered is not within the country. Please check your entry and try your call again.”

This marks the 3rd time I have requested that my account be closed. I don’t care what your good reasons are. I don’t care that you made a mistake. It is a mistake that makes me not trust you.

Please close my account and purge my credit card numbers from your system.

Regards,
Malcolm Gin-Hopwood y Silva

I wonder how many more emails will be required. I wonder if I will need to call them eventually.

I DO understand that they’re getting hammered by negative PR and their customer support infrastructure is probably just swamped. I still don’t think that automated poor customer support responses are the way to go, even if you have some customers (like me) who are not responding to your actions in the way you hope they would be.

Hi there.

Yesterday I requested you close my account. My stated reason was your deranking and delisting of various titles and categories for which you soundly got your butt handed to you.

You responded with an automated response (quoted at end). This does [...]]]> Here’s my second request to Amazon to close my account:

Hi there.

Yesterday I requested you close my account. My stated reason was your deranking and delisting of various titles and categories for which you soundly got your butt handed to you.

You responded with an automated response (quoted at end). This does not change my requirement to close my account with you.

If you made a mistake, then I want to close the account because an enterprise of your size should have process control mechanisms that prevent mistakes.
If you got hacked, then I want to close the account because you don’t deserve to keep my credit card in your records.
If you had human error, I’m sorry, but I don’t trust your employees.
If I am misinformed, then I’m sorry, but your screwup has reminded me of my resolve to shop locally (and I live in Baltimore, MD, not Seattle, WA).
I understand that you are offering gift cards to folks who’ll change their mind and stay. I don’t want one. Please close my account.
Whatever my reason and your semi-automated response, I want to CLOSE MY ACCOUNT. And while you’re at it, if possible, please PURGE MY CREDIT CARD INFORMATION FROM ALL YOUR SYSTEMS.

PLEASE stop making my decisions for me. When you deranked (for whatever reason) certain categories and books from your sales rankings, you were making my decisions for me about what books and products to search for. When you chose not to close my account on first request, you decided I was misinformed and didn’t deserve to make this decision. I am asking you again to please let me make this decision and to display the customer focus for which you are so famed and which is apparently imporant to you.

Regards,
Malcolm Gin-Hopwood y Silva

Your automated response:
“Hello,

Thank you for contacting Amazon.com.

This is an embarrassing and ham-fisted cataloging error for a company that prides itself on offering complete selection.

It has been misreported that the issue was limited to Gay & Lesbian themed titles – in fact, it impacted 57,310 books in a number of broad categories such as Health, Mind & Body, Reproductive & Sexual Medicine, and Erotica. This problem impacted books not just in the United States but globally. It affected not just sales rank but also had the effect of removing the books from Amazon’s main product search.

Many books have now been fixed and we’re in the process of fixing the remainder as quickly as possible, and we intend to implement new measures to make this kind of accident less likely to occur in the future.

Thanks for contacting us. We hope to see you again soon.

Sincerely,

Customer Service Department
Amazon.com

Note: this e-mail was sent from a notification-only address that cannot accept incoming e-mail. Please do not reply to this message.”

This means that according to Amazon (go [...]]]> For, I guess, business reasons (though one suspects it’s also to do with activists who make it their business to protect children from the corrupting influences of adult ideas), Amazon is now removing all “adult materials” from their sales ranking, best seller and other search results and ranking results lists.

This means that according to Amazon (go to this URL: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?field-keywords=hanne+blank – copy and paste, please – damned if I’m going to link to them from now on), Hanne now has only officially written 1 book (Virgin) and a couple of obscure used books  instead of 6 (and, er, contributed to a bunch of others). 

I am now closing my Amazon account, and will be spending the same money locally. I also wrote them a nice letter:

Hi there.

Please close my account.

My reason:
Because of your policy to exclude adult materials from your sales ranks, I must close my account. I truly hope Amazon suffers noticeable loss of market share due to this foolish decision. You’ll certainly be losing my market share.

Please forward this complaint that is part of my account closure request to whoever is most senior and can most likely affect your future policy decisions.

I cannot respectfully convey how incredibly foolish this business policy strikes me, so I hope the market speaks for itself.

From now on, I’ll link to books either via Google Books or Indie Bound (ABA’s sales affiliate) and I’ll take my dollars to local merchants.

If you are having trouble finding references for this policy decision, the best sources I have been able to find that discuss this policy of yours are here:
- http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/index.php/weblog/comments/amazon-rank/#com
- http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/jacketcopy/2009/04/

Regards,
Malcolm Gin-Hopwood y Silva
malcolm.gin@gmail.com
443-977-4667 [yes I know I left this in - it's Google Voice, so I'm not really scared to post it]