Breathing

Soon I will get to breathe again. This post is based primarily on an e-mail I just sent Mom, with some of the more personal, private stuff edited out.

I’m holding it together right now because I have to.

I have business to conduct. Once I am done with business, I may take some time to try to catch up with the emotional debt of freezing out being upset so that I can do that business.

Now that Dad’s situation is stabilized, I need to get my Baltimore house sold. I need to finish up that financial obligation and then move on. Part of that is getting some videogaming and geeky stuff back. Some of it’s finding out who I am without Hanne. Some of it is getting into some hobbies I want to check out and do on my own, some I want to check out and do with friends new (my sweetie and her friends, new friends I make) and old (K, N, D).

There’s a lot I have planned to do, to check out, to become who I am. To really live my life, and it’s still on hold a lot until I get completely out of Baltimore. But if I can get the house sale done, that’ll close it all up. So the week after next is key. I hope to get everything moved out and the house sale done and finish up any other business and finally get all that over with.

I know you keep thinking I’m being cold with you (not just Mom here, but friends old and new) because I’m angry about something that you did or that I misunderstood but the truth is the coldness is there because I need to freeze out how I’m feeling right now so I can get through the next couple of weeks and hopefully be finally finished with all this pending business.

It’s been like holding my breath.

Anyway, thank you for what patience you’ve had. I’m sorry my healing and blocking it out has been hard on you. I’ve been holding it all in for 18 months or longer, ever since Dad took his fall, went to the hospital for failure to thrive. That’s when it started. I’m hoping it’ll end soon, that I can live again and really have an emotion or two that isn’t highly filtered, highly controlled.

I’m hoping I can breathe again.