Another go ’round with Amazon.
Amazon needs to make sure that I am aware of the fabulous benefits I will be losing if I close my account.
This marks the 4th time I’ve asked that my ACCOUNT BE CLOSED and my CREDIT CARDS BE PURGED from your system.
This time instead of getting your “glitch” email, I got one (attached at end) that asked me if I was absolutely sure I wanted to close my account, reviewing the benefits I get from keeping my account open.
I have reviewed the list and found it acceptable for me to lose those benefits.
What arcane ritual must I do in order to get Amazon, a company that is apparently “… Building Earth’s Most Customer-Centric Company”, to close my Amazon account? Do you require a quart of goat or pig’s blood? Do you require a 50-person choreographed performance of “Doe, a deer, a female deer” in a railway station in Amsterdam to be executed flawlessly in order to fulfill my request? Perhaps you would like your own caffeinated beverages from another Seattle-based corporate monster in order to do as I ask?
Or maybe you could get a customer support representative capable of following clear and simple instructions to actually do as I ask?
I guess I will find out in my next installment where I hope, nay, dream, that Amazon Customer Support will actually just close my account, purge my credit card numbers from your records and send me a nice tidy e-mail verifying that you have done so.
Your servant (apparently),
Malcolm Gin-Hopwood y Silva
The latest response email in question:
“Hello,
I want to make sure that closing your account won’t cause problems with any open transactions or other websites you might visit.
Here are some things to keep in mind:
– If you use your Amazon login on other sites, you’ll also lose access to those accounts (Target.com, Bebe.com, BenefitCosmetics.com, Lacoste.com, Endless.com).
– Any open orders you have will be cancelled.
– Returns and refunds cannot be processed for orders on closed accounts.
– Amazon Payments account will be closed and cannot be reopened.
– You’ll no longer have access to your Associates and/or Mechanical Turk account.
– If you have an Amazon Web Services account, cancel your subscriptions for any Web Services prior to requesting that your account be closed.
If you’ve reviewed these items and still want to close the account, write back by visiting the address below:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/help/rsvp/rsvp-mi.html?q=acc1
Thanks for shopping with us.
Please let us know if this e-mail resolved your question:
If yes, click here:
http://[elided]
If not, click here:
http://[elided]
Please note: this e-mail was sent from an address that cannot accept incoming e-mail.
To contact us about an unrelated issue, please visit the Help section of our web site.
Best regards,
Aparna
Amazon.com
We’re Building Earth’s Most Customer-Centric Company
http://www.amazon.com/your-account”
Applause is not necessary, just please send me the Pulitzer.