I bought a new DSL modem (not a model Verizon supports, by the way, but a lot better as far as advanced diagnostics goes - the Zoom brand, which used to be the Hayes brand, or acquired it somehow, for the geeks out there) and it didn’t make a whit of difference for our household bandwidth.
So I called Verizon last night, and the conversation that unfolded had so many similarities to Eddie Izzard’s Death Star Cantina sketch that I am moved to illustrate it here. It’s a bit out of order, though, so I’ll stick with the Izzard script (transcribed here - 1 pic very mildly NSFW, language NSFW).
End result, though, is that they’re going to exchange my old modem for a new one that they do support, but that if this doesn’t fix it (and odds are damned low) I’m going to move to a dedicated line with Speakeasy.net, probably with a lower bandwidth, but also probably with less stupid. I will however do some more diagnostics inside the house first, and probably also call normal phone repair about a possibly related problem with the entire line I have ADSL on.
| Life: | Death Star Canteen: |
|---|---|
| Me: [Buying new modem from Staples, making sure I can return it, etc.] Me: [Plugging it in, doing diagnostics, configuring it, running a speed test, I find nothing fixed.] Me: [I ask misia to keep me company for this call.] |
Darth Vader: I will have the penne all’arrabiata. Canteen Worker: You’ll need a tray. Darth Vader: Do you know who I am? Canteen Worker: Do you know who I am? |
| Me: [summarize the situation], [talk about new and old modems], [talk about troubleshooting, including going outside and hooking up there] Verizon: We don’t support the new modem. Me: Why not? It’s better! It’s got better diagnostics! It tells us both more! Don’t you know who I am? I’m a senior network engineer. I’ve worked in telecomm with Sprint. I’m not stupid or a fool. Verizon: We don’t support the new modem because we don’t know what the lights mean. Me: That’s a good reason. Stupid, but good. Okay, I’ll plug in the old modem. [Stupid crap happens.] |
Darth Vader: This is not a game of who the fuck are you. For I am Vader, Darth Vader, Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought. Canteen Worker: Well, you’ll still need a tray. Darth Vader: No, I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force, which is strong within me. Even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished. For I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor. Canteen Worker: No, the food is hot. You’ll need a tray to put the food on. Darth Vader: Oh, I see the food is hot. I’m sorry. I did not realise. Ha ha ha ha … oh … tray for the … yes. I thought you were challenging me for the fight to the death. |
| Verizon: What do you keep talking about your outside interface for? What do you mean? Me: You know that little grey box that’s bolted to the outside of your house? The one the cables from the telephone poles go to? Half for the customer, half for you? (Mine says Bell South, actually). That’s the interface. That’s where you go to rule out the wiring in your house. Verizon: That’s telephone stuff. We don’t get trained in that stuff. We only go by our line test. Me: You mean the software line tests you run remotely at your CO? The ones that tell you what your switch thinks it’s sending to me? You do realize, don’t you, that there’s no guarantee at all that that’s what’s actually getting to me? Can you send a tech out to measure the speed at my interface? |
Canteen Worker: A fight to the death? This a canteen, I work here. Darth Vader: Yes, but I am Vader. I am Lord Vader? Everyone challenges me to a fight to the death. Lord Vader? Darth Vader, I’m Darth Vader. Sir Lord Vader? Sir Lord Darth Vader? Lord Darth Sir Lord, Lord Vader of Cheem? Sir Lord Baron Von Vader Ham? The Death Star. I run the Death Star. Canteen Worker: What’s the Death Star? Darth Vader: This is the Death Star! You’re in the Death Star! I run this star! Canteen Worker: This is a star? Darth Vader: This is a fucking star! I run it! I’m your boss. |
| Verizon: No, we don’t do that telephone stuff. We’re digital. We only use the line test. Me: You do realize how stupid that is, right? You can’t share the results of your line test with me, so I have to trust you. When I point out that your test actually doesn’t work in this case, and won’t tell you the speed I’m getting at the interface outside my house, you insist on it. When I tell you I used your speed test and speakeasy’s speed test and got the same results, you tell me that the speed tests are inaccurate, even your own, then share my desktop and start randomly browsing, saying “It looks all right to me.”, and when I tell you you’re bullshitting me, you just laugh. Verizon: [Nervous laughter.] Me: Okay, enough of this bullshit, let’s escalate the call. |
Canteen Worker: You’re Mr. Stevens? Darth Vader: No, I’m … who is Mr. Stevens? Canteen Worker: He’s Head of Catering. Darth Vader: I’m not Head of Catering! I am Vader, I can kill catering with a thought. Canteen Worker: Wha’? Darth Vader: I can kill you all! I can kill me with a thought! Just … fine, I’ll get a tray! Fuck it! This one’s wet, and this one’s wet and this one’s wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. Did you dry these in a rainforest? Why, with the power of the Death Star do we not have a tray that is fucking dry? I do not … no, no, no! I was here first! |
| Verizon: This is Chris, Verizon Supervisor Support. Please explain what’s going on from your perspective. Me: [narrates full situation] Verizon: Have you “optimized” your computer yet? [this translates to deleting temp files and doing really minor stuff to keep up your computer, mostly browser based, and resetting your browser's advanced settings to default, the 5-minute bandaid. In contrast, every month or so, I slough out the entire computer, including uninstalling apps I don't use, copying old files to external hard drives, running chkdsk type routines, defragging, and wiping blank space on my HDD, scanning all files for viruses and spyware, dealing with any accumulated threats, etc.] Me: [not even mentioning all the shit I do on a regular basis] Yes, yesterday, with tech support, but feel free to do it again if it’ll make you feel better. [Some other stupid crap happens.] Verizon: Sorry sir, but the line test is king here at Verizon DSL. It does sound like your modem is old and could use replacement, so I’ll make sure that happens at our cost, please return the old modem when you receive your new one. Me: You know that if this doesn’t work, I’m going to switch to Speakeasy because you’ve left me essentially no alternative but to pay for 3.0 Mbps service and eat the fact that you won’t actually serve me with that service to my computers. Verizon: Sir, we’d hate to see that happen… Me: So would I, but when you ask me to trust that your line test is accurate but won’t do me the same courtesy of trusting that multiple speed tests done on my end provide me a result well below my paid-for speed, I find that a little bit insulting and unhelpful, especially when you insist you can do nothing about it and therefore it is my problem. |
Other guy: You have to form a queue if you want food. Can I have, uh … ooo, penne all’arrabiata. That’d be very nice. Darth Vader: No, no, no! Do you know who I am? Other guy: That’s Jeff Vader that is! Darth Vader: I am not Jeff Vader, I am Darth Vader. Other guy: What? Jeff Vader runs the Death Star? Darth Vader: No, Jeff … no, I run the Death Star. Other guy: You Jeff Vader? Darth Vader: No, I’m Darth Vader. Other guy: Are you his brother? Could you get his autograph? Darth Vader: I can’t get his … no, I’m Jeff … all right, I’m Jeff Vader! I’m Jeff Vader! Other guy: Could I have your autograph? Darth Vader: No, fuck off or I’ll kill you with a tray! Give me penne all’arrabiata or you shall die! And you and everyone in this canteen! Death by tray it shall be! |
| Verizon: Sir, let me arrange for the modem replacement, and we’ll hope that fixes things on your end [Very, very unlikely at this point] Me: [Silently planning a lot of other troubleshooting, etc.] I’m so very close to switching to Speakeasy, and you know why. I’ll be really surprised if that helps, but I’ll give it a whirl. If it doesn’t, at least I have a fallback position. |
Canteen Worker: Do you want peas with that? Darth Vader: Peas! You don’t have peas! You can’t put in right in … you can’t put …it doesn’t work with penne! Unless you push ‘em up the penne tubes and then it’d be weird! Oh, all right! Put some peas in. |
Tags: adsl · customer service · death star canteen · eddie izzard · speakeasy · stupid · verizon1 Comment
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